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(12/06/06) for Chris Gullo. The soft glow of the nuclear power plant is almost (dare I say it?) romantic tonight. I'm in the country visiting my mother who just mixed us some cocktails and is looking for the cards so we can play Gin Rummy. "And we have real gin too" she says, laughing. I had to get out of the city, the death of kari edwards drove me out here. She never knew this, but the transsexual in the title poem of my book was her. She asked me once who it was and I ignored the question because admitting it was her would expose Magdalena's crush as well as my own. Crush. Who first called a crush a crush? What was going on? I'm never sure if a crush is supposed to be painful or not, I mean it sounds so playful, and if you're in too much pain maybe it's something else then? My mother says I would have been named Tara if I had been born a girl. Everyone should ask their mothers what name they would have been given if they had been born the other sex. In fact let's start a tradition of doing this. I want to write poems to Tara, or maybe AS Tara, the girl I almost was. My mother saw an albino deer in the mountains recently. None of the men believed her until one of them caught a glimpse of it while fishing. "Then of course they believed me because a man saw it too. FUCKING MEN! I can't believe you're gay, how can you stand it? If I was a man I'd get a sex change and become a lesbian!" That's what kari edwards did, and suddenly my mother wanted to know more. I've had many crushes on transsexuals. I'm drawn to their unique power of standing in many different worlds at once. It started with the drag queen XEROX PLUS who did the most amazing Janis Joplin. I was 19 and my boyfriend Angel would sell coke at the clubs while I watched the shows. One night XEROX PLUS was on, REALLY ON, doing Janis's "Maybe." WOW! When the song was over I told him how fantastic he was and he yelled at me, pointing to a woman at the bar, "THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND YOU LITTLE FAGGOT!" This HUGE dyke Sarah came up to him, yelling at him with her body pressed menacingly against his, instructing him to leave and never come back! He was afraid of Sarah because everyone was afraid of Sarah, including Angel who acted like no one bugged him. Sarah hated Angel, and warned me he was trouble, but I was 19 and he drove a motorcycle and had an endless supply of drugs and parties, what can I say? But yeah, it was WEIRD being called a faggot by a straight drag queen in a gay bar. It seems funny now, but a gay bar is one of the few places in the world we queers feel enveloped in safety. I mean, it shocked me at the time, and made me SO angry that he brought that hatred into our haven! Am I interested in having a sex change my mother wants to know, and I tell her no. I am happy as I am, and feel fortunate for that. Looking out the car window earlier today, seeing the green tips of the winter wheat bristle their emerald carpet for miles and miles I was thinking about how long it has taken me to feel okay. The world will surprise you everyday if you let it, so please, let's let it! Like the little shop down the road from my mother with the sign, "GRAVE COVERS AND MIXED NUTS." Sounds odd, but sure enough one day my mother saw a woman in the cemetery eating a bag of nuts. Combinations of everything are waiting, JUST WAITING for us! Food, gender, language, so much to imagine! Wish I could see the white deer. Dreaming the white deer tonight might be nice, with kari edwards riding it. Yeah, I hope I dream the beast my mother saw before any of the men. "HERE! Look at the newspaper!" my mother instructs. What is it I ask? "The obituary column, READ IT! All the women die in the hospital! All the men die at home, surrounded by Loved ones! What kind of fucking world is this anyway!?" My mother discovers secrets of life from the obituary column. And kari edwards came to Earth to combine the fields, her very body her laboratory to examine us all into new frontiers. Thanks for the courage, we've been needing it more than we realized! Thanks so much. And I miss you.